First One (go back »)

I guess this empty white box is waiting to be filled with my thoughts but as I'm staring back at this window I am thoughtless. Maybe it is because I feel so empty inside or maybe it's because I fear to be fulfilled.

I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what it means to love some one. I know what it means to lose someone and I know what it means to want something that you can't have. I've been through numerous relationships with friendships, family, girlfriends, co-workers, associates, etc. and at the end of the day I realize that their really isn't much difference between each of these people. These people are all human beings that look like me, talk like me, have emotions, has struggles, triumphs, and failures. They breathe the same air, drink the same water, and want to be loved and fulfilled.

The only thing that has separated these people for me is how much I cared or loved them. It's kind of strange that as humans we can love someone so much but at the same time hate someone so passionately all at the same time. While Anger is the easiest emotion to display, Love is the hardest emotion to convey. I loved someone without bounds. I was ready to sacrifice everything to be with her, but I failed at showing her just how much I truly loved her. When she walked out of my life it was so easy for me to show how angry I was with her and how hurt she had made me but I couldn't display all of the love I still had for her.

A friend told me today,

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

I feel like I tried so hard to show her how much I loved her. I attempted to make her as comfortable as I knew how and tried to erase her fears. In the end I believe this quote was the ultimate problem. I didn't love her the way that she wanted me to, but I have never once questioned my the love or passion I put into sustaining the relationship. I gave her everything that I had at that moment and now that I feel like I can love her the way that she wanted; she isn't here. To little to late.

I was honestly so mad at her because I felt like she quite on not only us but on me. It has been a few months now and I realize that because of all of this I will finally be able to love the woman I will ultimately share my future with. I have come to realize that Love is a godly emotion. An emotion that can only be displayed once the heart is free of temptation, anger, or fear, all of these things are so easily to give into; yet so hard to get away from. But when you love someone none of these things matter because you know you are safe under their wings because God has sent you an Angel.

When I closed my phone and realized that it was finally over between me and my ex, just for one second everything went away and all I felt was love. The love that I felt the first time I looked in her eyes, the love that I felt the first time we kisses, and the first time I woke up to her in the morning and knew that she was the sunshine in my life. And while all of these feelings still remain, and I have no doubt hat she was an Angel, but maybe not my Angel.

I guess time will tell.

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